Autopsy

Good afternoon.

This could easily degenerate into an interminable ramble so to spare you and to spare me I’ve opted for player ratings. No width, no plan, no nuffink. Modders threatened to elevate us but he was outnumbered by people who didn’t share his vision.

Most footballers are thick. If they couldn’t excite people with a football,  most of them would be working in the fast food industry or at best ‘larking about’ to some capacity in a warehouse.

There is a pattern at Tottenham whereby they perform brilliantly and then immediately afterwards they act like hungover chimpanzees that have saucepans stuck on their heads.

I’m sick of it and so are you.

Bitter, refusing to give credit to Blackpool? Look, you watched the same game as me. They looked like Colchester United on a good day. What do they want for that?  A Ballon D’or?

Gomes – 5 Can pick a ball out of his own net like no other.

Gallas – 4 Was more comfortable going forward.

Dawson – 4 Not absolutely invisible. But really quite close.

Bassong – 3 A donkey on roller-skates.

A&E – 4 Some tremendous hoofs to nobody in particular.

Azza – 6.37 Glimpses of guile and gormlessness in equal measure.

Sarge – 5.8 Seemed to be doing a lot. But wasn’t really.

Modders – 7 He’ll like it at Man Utd. They have lobster on Thursdays.

Peanut – 5 Marginally faster than time lapse photography.

Pav – 7 I’m amazed he kept trying. Iwould’ve gone home at half time.

Defoe – 5 Tedious, greedy little man.

Krankie – 6 Introduced too late and achieved zip.

Jenas – 5 Pansy.

Crouch – 4 At this point the gas and air kicked in and I was going under…