I see this blog loosely as a work in three acts. Vitriol, facts and lastly some sense of conclusion. So here she is…
What in the name of Norman Wisdom was that? A Champions League quarter final or an open audition for Celebrity Clusterfeck On Ice?
The Spanish seemingly played with a football but whenever we got a touch of it it became a greasy sphere of helium with a poltergeist trapped inside it. Peter Crouch, part man, part giraffe, part rich feckin‘ tea biscuit. Unfortunately out of all the possible combinations his brain was supplied by the biscuit.
I see some are calling for him to be sold. As PT Barnum is no longer trading perhaps it might be swifter to duct tape a video of his valiant efforts last night between his butt cheeks, cram to capacity his grinning toothy gob with polystyrene chips empty a catering sized bottle of Frenchs’ American Mustard over his head and have him sectioned under the Mental Health Act.
Jermaine Jenas then. Here we have The Wizard Of Oz The Musical in human form. Heartless, brainless, without courage but in fairness lots of mindlessy effeminate running, skipping and friend of Judy type behaviour. Why hasn’t he been sold before now? Let me break this to you gently – he’s so desperately poor not even the rubbish clubs want him.
So what actually happened? Let’s start at the beginning shall we? You and me were on innocently suckling from our second beer and we suddenly clock Jenas in the shirt. Before either of us can say get security!, it’s announced that Azza Blud isn’t well. In actual fact it has only been some sixty seconds since he shared his ‘unwellness’ with our glorious leader, Arry.
But this isn’t the first time Arry was aware of this ‘unwellness’ indeed; we are told that the player had been a bit ‘unwell’ for hours if not days beforehand and that it was the pre-match warming up that exacerbated whatever was bugging him. So that makes the player guilty of being a complete and utter idiot as he should have really emphasised to Arry that he wasn’t in great shape and the manager could have then given some thought to a Plan B, rather than suddenly changing everything literally, at the last minute.
If the little schoolboy wants to go to the toilet and fails to raise his hand until it’s already running down his leg, we should comfort him and point out how this can be avoided next time. But when a grown man does it and whizzes all over our chances in Europe then he needs help I’m not qualified to provide.
Arry is the best thing to have happened to this Club since Keith left. This may come as a shock to some of you but I’m not expressing an opinion. Beyond the 2 points from 8 games [t-shirts still available in the foyer] business he has been singularly responsible for inserting a spine into what used to be a gang of occasionally fun to watch chancers.
It’s been a subtle a renaissance, but renaissance never the less. Under Redschnapps we no longer rock up to places like Blackpool and lose because we had to goaded off the coach and then begged to go out and run around for a bit. We now rock up to places like Blackpool and lose because the wipe-board sessions at the Lodge focusing on cow’s bottoms and banjos simply don’t permeate with this lot. Best of Greavsie tape, anyone?
You cannot achieve success and yet ‘have a bit missing’ from your game. It doesn’t work like that. How much did Pav cost? And Defoe and Crouch? You add all that together and I bet you could go out and buy one bloke who was capable of routinely scoring goals.
Manchester United have Berbatov and Rooney. Chelsea have Anelka and Drogba. At the other end of the food chain we have Wigan and I can’t even name their striker(s). Do you see what I’m driving at here?
It’s not Arry that’s taken us a far as he can, it’s the players. So as some of you sit there with your grandmother’s locket in your hot little hand staring into a sepia effect snap of Jose Mourinho, the rest of us who aren’t subject to a Care Order will weigh up the next move in the real world. Jose isn’t coming – he only manages men.
Last night you could say that Arry was out-witted by Jose. But how difficult must it have been? You and I sit in front of these screens pointing out the same stuff week in week out. I’d be amazed if Jose actually had a strategy for coping with our strikers. It was ll about Modders, Bale and Van der Vaart. Once they were eliminated it was job done. Arry’s decision to play Bale on the right did half the job for them and playing with ten men did the rest.
Levy is a bold Chairman and frequently a wise one. But he’ll win nothing a children.
Real Madrid are another Jose side, another side of Champions in waiting. The Jose template is shrouded in mystery, charisma and magic. But what is there for a fool to see is that there are no insane individual error merchants, no children who cannot get to the toilet in time.
Levy will have to be brave and discount some of the players that must be sold. No one likes losing money, but the first step to making a profit is often stopping a loss. Jermaine Jenas is a loser. Jermain Defoe is a loser. Vedran Corluka is a loser. If you want to debate this, then fine, tell me what they have won. Also tell me when you expect them to start.
These players crop up in every team and whilst they look at worst benign they are in fact cancerous and for the good of the patient must be cut out.
So in the aftermath of all the weeping and wailing we tell ourselves that it’s time to focus on the League. A phrase that chills me to the bone. All the successful sides have been doing that since last summer.
We’ll win nothing with children. Nothing.
Harry,
Spot on mate… how long can we kid ourselves with these kids… Bringing in Gallas and VDV was good, as they have won things and bring in that winning mentality, but when they are overwhelmed by spoilt brats, who think they are God’s gift to the world, yet when it matters most, haven’t got a clue how to man up, it’s frustrating for them (as we saw last night with BOTH players). If we don’t start either beating these kids into men soon, or selling them off, we will always be looking into the men’s club through the window…
Amen.
Sorry Harry, I don’t agree with much of what you are saying. You are being way too lenient on them! ; )
Crouch had a sudden rush of blood to the head. It must have taken his blood 20 years to get there and we all saw the results. Can we blame Abbey for this ?? Next week we will a Spurs side signing off from what has been a great run in the CL. Its April and we are still in the competition. Well done Arry !!!. Crouchs goal V Man City got us in the CL. Crouch goal V Milan got us through the last round. Now his feck up means we are out. Lets just go out in style. 3-2 at the Lane. Then a great run in to clinch 4th again.
I really want what you’re smoking Kash… must not be supporting Spurs long enough to be so positive and hopeful…! ;-)
This will fall on deaf ears, and I’m well aware that I’m very much in the minority, but I’m still immensely proud of the lads.
We got spanked, tonked, obliterated, taught an utter footballing lesson. But the whole campaign has given the squad and indeed, us fans, a glimpse of what we can achieve and the company that we as a Club should be aiming to be keeping year in, year out.
Yes, 4th place seems a long way off at the moment. But I’m still confident(and have been all year) that we will finish above Citeh; one 5vs0 result during which they FINALLY played something resembling attacking football does not change that.
Real Madrid tonked us, REAL MADRID, as in the most successful side in European history, arguably the 2nd best side in world football. We all knew what we signed up for. This is the type of side we wanted to play. This type of result against one of the big guns was always a possibility. Yes, the manner of defeat, and the way we played was at times unnaceptable, I’m not denying that. But now is the time we need to get behind the team, show our support, make our voices heard. Sure, there is deadwood in the squad, and we are to improve, then some will have to be moved on. But until that happens, we have 8 games left, so lets chase down that 4th spot and see what those overpaid Citeh mercenary bastards are made of.
COYS
spot on comment, couldnt agree with you more. Some fans need a reality check here and face up to the real world. We are not as good as these teams, but when have we ever been?? This is our best team since the early 1980’s. Success is realtive and this is success for us, its been a good season, infact its been a good 5 seasons. Dont like it ?? go support Barcelona then.
Couldn’t agree more on being proud of the side the way they’ve taken to this competition. I think we’ve breathed some welcome life into the CL and a few players might be a little less dismissive of the approaches made to them over the summer. Let’s hope anyway.
This. Begrudgingly.
Real Madrid are one of the best teams in the world, we unfortunately are not. We stood a chance with 11 but not with 10. Even before the sending off Mourinho knew we would start with Crouch and so set his team out to play a high line and apply pressure in midfield. We had no fast striker up top to run onto balls behind the back line to counter this setup and with no Lennon this meant Bale was our only outlet. Which they dealt with quite well. We didn’t have enough options to outfox Mourinho. Now if during the summer we could only sell OHara, Bentley, Keane, Pav, GDS, Jenas and buy just one tall striker (who can head the ball) with pace who can play as a lone striker. Lets still see if we can beat Real Madrid at home for pride’s sake!
You forgot Crouch in the “For Sale” list…
I’d still keep him as an option off the bench. A team looking to stay in the top 4 in the premiership shouldn’t be starting with him though.
We are not going to get a new striker before the end of the season, and the result of last night’s game means that we have nothing to lose except our pride in the return leg.
Those of you who can remember, the renaissance of Gareth Bale was as a full back to replaced the injured BAE, and it was only because of his raids down the wing, that HR used him as a winger. My thoughts are that if we have strikers who cant score, what harm would there be in playing GB as a striker? I really don’t think HR (or any of us) knew what we had until he came back as a LB, aand now he is a left winger. Maybe he might also be a striker? What have we got to lose? He has pace, accuracy, ball control and a good shot on him.
Lay off the smack.
i agree, try him as a striker- could even boost his price up
Beer@pot. I had the same thought about his value. If he can score a dozen or so from the wing, what could he do as a striker?
We have to accept that we are probably going to lose him one day, and if he turns out that he is the class utility player, what would that make him worth?
Of course, that could also make him unaffordable to potential buyers.