Brutally Fwank Player Ratings

Good evening.

Let’s cut to the chase here, shall we? We won 3-0 and that no matter how hard one tries to argue otherwise this was good thing. You’d take 3-0, no matter what circumstances wot transpired to produce it pretty much every day of the damn week. It’s a convincing win. You don’t ‘nick’ a game 3-0, after all. Do you?

And here’s the big juicy ‘but’ (that’s what she said) you knew was coming…

When playing away next season Bolton are probably going to be visiting an awful lot of new grounds. This doesn’t give everyone in the top half of the table a legally binding guarantee that they will beat them by an air hockey score.

How many attempts on goal did we have? Well if you divide that figure by 3 that isn’t a number that makes great reading. How many attempts do you think we might get against superior opposition? My wild crazy guess is, ‘fewer.’ So you can see where I’m going with this…

To the ratings!

 8.010 A defining performance when he saved then clanked and clattered his way down the goal post. He reaction to this crash was nichts, nada, nuffink not even a wince. One can but only imagine that Gomes would have been whispering, ‘tell my kids, Daddy always loved them’ in the ear of an attending stretcher bearer.

 7.345 Another very respectable shift where he linked well with Azza Blud and certainly demonstrated he can engage his brain when attacking. Defensively he isn’t quite the full shilling but I guess it is still early doors. Promising enough stuff.

 7.789 The only difference between Raging Kaboul’s performances of late and that of Sir Ledley of King’s have been some occasional cussing in the original French. I’ve always liked him, but he has occasionally been dogged in my mind by appearing a bit thick but those days seem long gone.

 6.987 Seeing his name on the team sheet is a good thing. You’re getting experience and wisdom. On Wednesday we got some old bloke who looked like he could be outwitted by sheep. Against Bolton he looked much sharper. Good to see his high standards returning.

  8.001 As sound as pound really. What’s particularly useful are the forward runs. He’s an intelligent chap old Benny and the quality of his work routinely reflects this. More praise as well for his clearly positive influence on his team mates. A sound as a pound. Did I say that?

 8.009 Occasionally infuriating. Occasionally responsible for some mind numbing, wasteful ‘crosses.’ But this was a pretty decent performance from the wing heeled Chapeltown Tantalizer. Let’s hope he can maintain this form for the rest of the season.

 8.565 ‘Lady Penelope’s black and white driver!’ ©Essexian76. We’ve fallen on our feet here. His contributions are so good I’m desperately trying not to mope on about how I wish he was five years younger. Reality is that he’s a massive asset. Week in week out. Thank you.

 8.569 Offensively close to his best. Yet I get the distinct impression some folks don’t get what it is he actually brings to the party. He’s Champions League and that prat from the Mirror’s piece about a Fat Fwank swap is simply wishing. Clever tale, but wishing all the same.

 8.566 What a complete delight this guy is to have in the shirt. Pace, power and I have it on good authority he’s particularly punctual. I made that last bit up but it’s my blog and I’ll illiterate as I ruddy well please. His crosses are nothing shy of vicious. More please.

 8.567 I love him, I hate him and then I love him again. His goals are invariably excellent and perfectly timed. But a part of me wants him banished from the kingdom. Sent to somewhere awful, like Goodison Park. So he can set the world on fire… so we can buy him again.

 6.345 I was almost very close to being a half decent schoolboy badminton player. I share this not to induce unbearable jealously in you all, rather I had a great teacher who used to spend every game I played against him coldly shouting, ‘aim for the spaces.’ Christ that phrase was burned into my soul.