Hiccup Not AFACup – Analysis & Ratings

Good morning.

Questions in the house then about last night’s game. To use trade terminology that may throw laymen reading, it was a bit of a muddle.

First up, but in no particular order Modric. Arry stands before the world and says that the medic at Tottingham only told him after he’d submitted the team sheet that the Croat hadn’t been feeling too chipper for two or three days.

Hello? I know you’re in the mood for making stupid confessions Aitch, but what the hell is going on at this multi-million pound football club? Where’s the lines of communication? Where are our so called coaching staff? Is anyone talking to each other on a regular basis? 

The team selection looked like one knocked together by an absentee landlord who had been briefed by Levy & Co to stick in a few more ‘A listers‘ to keep the sponsors happy. Judging by the game, the only direction the players were given was  to the Away dressing room.

What last night also proved is that the heavily tipped stars of the future really aren’t burning as bright as they were said to be. It was Watford.

Oh look, here’s the ratings…

 7.090 Occassionaly looked like a man trying to grab money in one of those game show blowing machines. But this was primarily down to the fact his defense was the sort that could land you 3 years. His distribution is better than Brads.

 5.002 No wonder he’s in the fakin’ reserves. I can see a big future for him. In panto. Being a yoofstar these days appears to be all about speed. I’m an old fashioned gal and I like my footballers to also have a brain. 

 8.756 Man of the match again. His transformation has been a joy to witness. He clearly has willingness to listen and learn. If he can carry on like this he’ll be one of our most important signings in a generation.

 6.222 He’s a guy that lapses too readily into ‘repel all borders!!!’ mode. Walloping the ball out like it’s the end of the world is pointless if it ends up back at the feet of the other lot. Urgently needs to find his form again. 

 4.767 What we got there was him minus the Forest Gump runs that so many of you seemed to coo over. And what was left was a guy who needs to work on his job. Which is being a defender. Is that incredibly mean? No.

 7.333 A flickering bright light on dimly lit pitch. For most of it all he was knee deep in trying to unravel the mess of wayward passes and unsightly pinball that appeared to dominate the bulk of our central play.

 6.454 Jake played well when he got on with the job. He kept his head and didn’t flap like many did. But the foul was daft and as I said last night, the ball under the arm and strutting up to the linesman routine needs to be canned. There’s a good footballer in there. Focus on finding him or they’ll be calling you Jason Dozzell 2.0

 6.772 If anyone can explain the wisdom in running this poor guy into the ground than do get in touch.

 5.001 He’s not been well. He played like it.

 6.043 Brought when the footballing gurus managing our team eventually realised we had no width. Triffic. Did he then do that wing swapping thing again? Brilliant, I bet that threw Watford into a right state. Oh, wait…

 1.800 “I’m the invisible man I’m the invisible man
Incredible how you can see right through me”.

 2.843 Nights like these he must be wondering just what in the name of Jesus he’s gone and got himself involved in this time.