Date:5th March 2011 at 9:05am
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Is there another football club like us? Our players take to the pitch a creaky PA system blasting some macho Star Wars tune. Our intrepid boys ought charge out to The Entry Of The Gladiators.

Just as I thought we were on a reprieve from the day to day idiocies of life in the N17 fast lane – news from yonder Evening Standard breaks. Clive Allen has given Jermain Defoe a Jimmy Greaves golden goal compilation video.

Innocent enough you might think. Until you discover it was in the guise of a ‘How To Guide.’

This is not so much the equivalent of handing a runner up in Masterchef a copy of the latest Gordon Ramsey book, it’s more like handing a fully qualified airplane pilot with a major carrier snapshots of crashed aircraft, smoldering twisted metal, dead bodies and bits of luggage scattered about with the word, ‘BAD’ in block capitals subtitled on them.

Typically Tottenham. Full of good intention but woefully shy of achieving anything you’d actually want to confess you’d had a go at. How did we get to the shameful state of affairs whereby a one time goal machine is being thrown old bones like this and actually sharing with major newspaper that they,‘taste real good!’?

It’s insane. Do you think that Andy Murray watches old Pathe News footage of Fred Perry when his form’s on the wane? Do you think Wayne Rooney will be having both knees replaced as a 70th birthday present to himself? Will Didier Drogba have to sell his medals to keep all three bars on his gas fire come the autumn of his years?

No of course not. The modern game is almost unrecognisable from how it was 20 years ago, let alone 40 or 50. I like Clive Allen, but this smacks of something more desperate than even your average common or garden desperation.

I could have Jermain back and pumping ’em in like a man on the razz with Berlusconi in a matter of hours. All you do is show him endless footage of him knocking the ball to his right foot, hunching and ‘kapow!ing’ it to the keeper’s feet and every time he does it on the tape you clip him round the back of the head and shout ‘idiot!’ at him.

Seems harsh I admit, but we’re not exactly dealing with Neil Armstrong here, are we? Maybe we could get him a tape on ‘Doing Up Shoelaces’ or ‘Using Cutlery’.

If I didn’t know better I’d say old Clive was taking the …….