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Dinner Money In Sock – Check. Y Fronts In Bag – Check.

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What can I possibly tell that you that you do not already know?

Real Madrid indoors and I stand by my suggestion the other day that we clear it with UEFA and our lot wear Bernie Clifton ostriches. At least for the bit when they run out and do the police identity line up number at the beginning.

Having watched the last leg in Stellascope and then had a good look at the other loves remaining in this competition I can reveal that having summoned the wisdom of the ages and decided things look decidedly iffy.

Aside from all our usual idiocies (opposed to idiosyncrasies) we are approximately one million miles away from being genuinely fit to continue in this competition. Hardly resounding proof that I am related to Winston Churchill I grant you, but those other brutes, have you seen them? Some of them have been shaving since they were seven.

Real Madrid – as I alluded after the last debacle –  have that Jose template all over ’em. They aren’t just footballers, they’re marines. Trained, programmed and unforgiving mercenaries, ready to conquer. By stark contrast, we have our dinner money hidden in our sock and our  Y fronts folded up in our bag so that they can’t wedgie us.

And it turned out that Azza didn’t bottle it, more a case of our crack squad of highly trained experts not understanding that a course of antibiotics has to ordinarily to be completed in order for it to work. Years of administering magic sponges and the occasional Junior Asprin can I guess fog even the most finely tuned medical minds.

On an upbeat note, we have a license to go bonkers and play in a somewhat unshackled manner, ‘It’s over here, I’ve got it! Let’s run up this way and shoot again!’ as we are the very definition of people with nothing to lose.

There are some creative bets doing the rounds and if you want to be the one to tell your grandchildren that you had a nicker on us to win and that’s how you set up their trust-fund then now is your moment.

Spurs to win 5-0 is 150/1. If you are unfamiliar with betting parlance then this indicates but by no means guarantees that there is more chance of ‘My Lovely Horse’ being number one in the hit parade next Christmas.

[bet_365 type=’generic’ size=’468′ af_code=’365_061513′]

My genuine belief is that we will throw the kitchen sink at Los Blancos, who will more likely than not, place it down gently to one side before holding us to a 2-2 all draw. Which at 11/1 has some  – however optimistic – basis in reality and a few quid down will at least mean you don’t face the ignominy of tomorrow’s lunch break with home made sandwiches, but can soak up the consolatory beers of the night before with something classy, like a Super Sized extravaganza from Burger Me or whoever.

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”

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167 comments

  • Harry Hotspur says:

    Oh yes, I’ve commissioned some more t-shirts. The floggings will continue until morale improves, believe me.

    Some quotes from Bill Nick, Greavsie and young Osvaldo. Please order at least 3 each.

    Thank you.

  • Finn says:

    Look if Sir Francis Drake could do it against the Spaniards coming over here, then why the hell can’t we!

    Seriously tho’ we should go all out to have fun entertain and make tonight a real celebration of the game; here’s our chance to showcase ourselves and maybe make some crafty corn with players we feel we have the potential to sign come summer.

    Meanwhile I would heartily suggest painting the tunnel floor yellow, put Toto on the bench and getting some Adidas Red Ruby football boots and click the heels together three times in unison just before the whistle.

    • Harry Hotspur says:

      I can hear Jose now as their bus pulls up outside a Wig, Nail & Phone Unlocking Bar, ‘I guess we’re not in Paseo de la Castellana anymore, Ronaldo.’

    • melcyid says:

      they should go and play bowls as preparation’sir francis strategy was to broadside the spaniards with volleys from his big guns.his famous words “we have time to finish this game and sink the spaniards”

  • sydney vicious says:

    I will be watching it in the wee hours on my jason recliner and hoping for a charge behind fixed bayonets.

    On another matter, why can’t Spurs hire out Wembley for the odd big-occasion game? It happens here all the time in rugby league. A club with a small home ground takes a marquee game to a bigger, neutral stadium and bathes in the extra cash the big crowd supplies. Why not Spurs at Wembley then?

    Please explain, my learned northern friends.

  • TMWNN says:

    We should make it a night of seduction.

    We should have some very tidy piece of flange unravel a narrow red carpet, solely for the use of the special one, from the car park to a luxury, JM initialled pitch side recliner. If it’s raining, we could put Tonto to better use and have him shelter Jose with that chin of his.

    Once pitch side, his seat will have a fine red wine and a box of chocolates, with the message ‘Hope you enjoy our hospitality Jose, love Daniel xxx’ lovingly nestled within it’s finest Portuguese, butter soft leather.

  • TMWNN says:

    Harry, at least your ‘Benzema to Spurs’ piece will finally be proven true if nothing else. :-p

    • Harry Hotspur says:

      Ha. Pure Genius. That would have been ‘the’ headline. Can’t believe I missed it :blush:

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