Date:21st April 2011 at 11:41am
Written by:

The morning after the night before.

Arsene Wenger is a rare beast. You saw his petulant handshake with Arry at the end? Forget Sluralix’s siege mentality – this guy has actually gone over the edge and is now living in a fantasy he’s convinced is reality.

A ten year old could tell you that additional time is a minimum, but Arsene was staggered the 8 minutes wasn’t the end of it against Liverpool. He’d argue black was simply a slightly darker shade of white, tell you it wasn’t raining as the water teamed down his daft quilted caterpillar coat. There are crocodiles in Egypt less in denial [I’m here all week].

This is a man who epitomises that Adam Ant Song, ‘Goody Two Shoes’, you just know that a guy who chooses to sport the dullest suit, the dullest shirt and tie combo is up to no good in private.

My best educated guess is Arsene locking himself in a soundproofed cellar, playing Aqua’s ‘Barbie Girl’ full blast whilst applying peanut butter to his genitals.

To the game. And what a game. Here’s some player ratings then…

6.73 Gomes is a man who needs a settled back four. What is has is an ever changing cast of good folk wanting to do their best. I’ll make this point every week until something is done about protecting a good players integrity and our goal difference.

6.72 Corluka and I have an uncomfortable relationship. He gives it 100% everytime he plays and I sit here thinking up variations on pantomime horse jokes. Last night he was excellent and beyond the assist his possession and movement was class.

6.71 Comparatively awesome. This might sound like making excuses but again, here is a guy who will make fewer mistakes if he was playing week in week out with the same crew. Last night was a mix of great blocks and the odd hair brained mistakes.

7.46 Rapidly becoming many Tottenham fans guilty pleasure. He looks like he’s been with us forever. Intelligent, tough and committed. Exactly what the doctor ordered. Billy boy, tell me true, are there any more at home like you?

8.83 Last night’s game will flush out those with an irrational contempt for Benny. He was responsible for a pretty flawless performance. We haven’t had a decent left back in a dog’s age. Let’s try and hang on to this one, eh? The irony of his moniker is not lost on me…

6.46 Relatively quite game for the PFA darling. Sagna read him like one of those waterproof books that kids ‘read’ in the bath. This also happened against Real and let’s hope that Gareth works on a Plan B for when this inevitably happens again.

8.83 There was talk about us having bought a lemon last week. Fitness was questioned, as was commitment. Clearly he just had a couple off off games. Let’s hope these are kept to a minimum as it’s too much to bear when compared to the class he delivered last night. He charged about, snarling, living and breathing the game. Nutmegged Wilshire twice. A credit to the firm.

6.19 An extraordinarily sweet strike producing a goal that came out of nowhere. But… a near dismal first half. He improved dramatically in the second half and we got few excellent passes. Had Tommy shown more of the much his improved recent form he could have made a huge difference. Arsenal’s midfield for parts, ran the show.

8.82 Our Champions League player then. He was a very busy bee. The delight  of this guy is his focus and his obvious quickness of thought. His skills are magnificent and where I was initially joking, I actually believe he’s more comfortable on the ball when  he’s under pressure. The world’s smallest giant.

5.12 One of his least convincing performance since he arrived. He looked ‘out of sync’ , taken by surprise and generally lacking focus. I ‘m a huge fan and I was frustrated as hell by him. Yes, lots of effort but no achievement. Had we an in form striker on the park we could have won by two goals last night.

4.79 A threat in the air but I don’t like watching this type of football. It’s predictable and uneducated. Not so much Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon more Tall Bloke, Nothing Special. But this is where we are. Arry thinks this works because it has a couple of times before. His tally sheet says it’s not the right answer.

7.99 The man Sagna couldn’t cope with. He whizzed, fizzed, crackled and popped. Won the penalty and looked as livelier than he has done in weeks. Not sure the cutting infield was the one, but he certainly achieved more than Bale and Pav. More please.