Date: 6th May 2011 at 11:08am
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Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee; for me and indeed just about anyone who has involved in any aspect of their football team’s Buying Dept. this August.

This morning the news trickled down like wee down the leg of a distressed child that (T/A Naughty Knickers Newham LTD) will indeed be holding a bring and buy sale for their ‘Internationals’ if and when they become the owners of the swankiest stadium in the Championship.

“It’s unrealistic to ask an player to come down and play in the Championship,” warned Gold, who has recently been in hospital, where he was treated for cholangitis – an infection of the common bile duct – and septicaemia.’ he told the BBC.

So who will be on the trellis tables amongst the bric-a-brac then?

Robert Green. Transfer value? Blimey. I dug out a 2009 transfer rumour relating to him replacing Peter – no laughing at the back, please – that offered a figure of £14million. Difficult to believe he’s worth half that at this moment in time. As goalkeepers go he’s certainly not the worst. I’d still take him above Ben Foster. Then I’d take a grapefruit with a face drawn on it over Foster.

Carlton Cole. I was, in a previous life sat behind Cole watching the Hammers play West Brom (don’t ask, I can’t explain) the game was horrible. Cole leaned over to his minder and whispered in his ear, ‘It wouldn’t be nil – nil if I was playing, bruv.‘ I always thought Baldric was an only child. Cole makes Darren Bent look like a Stephen Hawking. Oh yes and he’s rubbish at playing football. Transfer value? I predict an opening request for £15million but as with these sort of events it’s all about bartering and Steve Bruce should pick him up along with a box of assorted Star Wars figures for half that in an ‘undisclosed fee’ deal.

Matty Upson. ‘England’s Matty Upson.’ Another piece of junk. This is the end of the table with all the stuff that Cash Converters wouldn’t take. Trawling Google back in time you can find a tale that a pre Mancin Manchester City might have shown an interest in him. In January of this year ran with a tale that Arsene Wenger and Steve Bruce (sorry mate) were going ‘head to head’ to drop £500,000 on the player.

Scotty Parker. I’ll have the name hurled at me again, but what is it about people getting excited over players in teams that have been in the relegation zone all season long? It makes no sense. By reverse, Spurs have had another good season (no, they have) yet the rumours of ‘audacious swoops’ don’t mention Jermain Jenas. So how is somehow a cherry on the top of a cake – that’s made of poo? I just don’t get it.

The fear is and I’m telling you now this is on the money …these are precisely the type of players that get old Arry’s juices flowing. Maybe he realises that even Cole wouldn’t be a great move. Maybe. But the rest?

Watch this space…