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A Quote To Strike Fear Into Your Hearts

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Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee; for me and indeed just about anyone who has Arry Redschnapps involved in any aspect of their football team’s Buying Dept. this August.

This morning the news trickled down like wee down the leg of a distressed child that West Ham United (T/A Naughty Knickers Newham LTD) will indeed be holding a bring and buy sale for their ‘Internationals’ if and when they become the owners of the swankiest stadium in the Championship.

“It’s unrealistic to ask an England player to come down and play in the Championship,” warned Gold, who has recently been in hospital, where he was treated for cholangitis – an infection of the common bile duct – and septicaemia.’ he told the BBC.

So who will be on the trellis tables amongst the bric-a-brac then?


Robert Green. Transfer value? Blimey. I dug out a 2009 transfer rumour relating to him replacing Peter Cech – no laughing at the back, please – that offered a figure of £14million. Difficult to believe he’s worth half that at this moment in time. As goalkeepers go he’s certainly not the worst. I’d still take him above Ben Foster. Then I’d take a grapefruit with a face drawn on it over Foster.

Carlton Cole. I was, in a previous life sat behind Cole watching the Hammers play West Brom (don’t ask, I can’t explain) the game was horrible. Cole leaned over to his minder and whispered in his ear, ‘It wouldn’t be nil – nil if I was playing, bruv.‘ I always thought Baldric was an only child. Cole makes Darren Bent look like a Stephen Hawking. Oh yes and he’s rubbish at playing football. Transfer value? I predict an opening request for £15million but as with these sort of events it’s all about bartering and Steve Bruce should pick him up along with a box of assorted Star Wars figures for half that in an ‘undisclosed fee’ deal.

Matty Upson. ‘England’s Matty Upson.’ Another piece of junk. This is the end of the table with all the stuff that Cash Converters wouldn’t take. Trawling Google back in time you can find a tale that a pre Mancin Manchester City might have shown an interest in him. In January of this year the Mirror ran with a tale that Arsene Wenger and Steve Bruce (sorry mate) were going ‘head to head’ to drop £500,000 on the player.

Scotty Parker. I’ll have the name Sebastien Bassong hurled at me again, but what is it about people getting excited over players in teams that have been in the relegation zone all season long? It makes no sense. By reverse, Spurs have had another good season (no, they have) yet the rumours of ‘audacious swoops’ don’t mention Jermain Jenas. So how is Scott Parker somehow a cherry on the top of a cake – that’s made of poo? I just don’t get it.

The fear is and I’m telling you now this is on the money …these are precisely the type of players that get old Arry’s juices flowing. Maybe he realises that even Cole wouldn’t be a great move. Maybe. But the rest?

Watch this space…


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78 comments

  • Southspur says:

    First. :-p

  • tomo says:

    couldnt agree more, i could see harry snappin up this shower of shit.

  • hoopspur says:

    Maybe Green – just a year left on his contract. Cheap and chips come to mind.

    Maybe Parker – old and leggy come to mind.

    Cole and Upsom – if we sign either of them then I give up. Shit and shitter come to mind.

    • hoopspur says:

      Oh, and we get a free PSB thrown back at us to boot! FFS!!!

    • borris says:

      For f**ks sake… Is this really happening?

      A back 4 of P.Neville Upson, Daws (god help him) and f**kin Wes Brown?!!!!!!!

      Pletkosa,,.. an seasoned, proven international with 82 caps on the bench.. we must have one hell of a reliable goalie to be keeping him on… oh… gomes?.. really?.. never mind.

  • Fatfish says:

    If we’re going for a keeper, which we will have to with Cudicini contract up & Pletikosa loan ended, I’d take Shay Given. He wont stay at City sat on the bench. Green is like Gomess (sic), brilliant on his day, but you just know the next mistake isn’t far away.

    Upson just isn’t good enough. We will have Daws, Gallas, Kaboul, Khumalo & Caulker. King & Woody should both be on a pay as you play contract too. Bassong will be off. If we go for a CB, it has to be Cahill.

    Cole can do one. I’d rather keep any of Defoe, Pav & Crouch over him.

    Parker, Yus M’Lady, although I’m not sure we need him. He is a leader on the pitch and that is something we are desperately missing. But that would mean Thudd and /or Sandro missing out every game as Modders will start CM every game.

  • Terry Nutkins says:

    All a bunch of donkey’s but I do like Parker; has drive and determination in abundance and skills too you know.

    Would it be sad for a Spurs fan to want the seasiders to beat us and pretty much condemn the spammers to life in the Championship?

    Would it? ;)

    • jerkinmahjurgen says:

      We need the spam to stay up. At least Keane will be gone and hopefully the other muppets mentioned may stay there.

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