‘Teenage night club hostess, Linda Tightbliss (pictured) met the Premier League star at her place of work West End hot spot Barbillus at 3am last night. ‘I knew who he was cos I’d seen him being flagged offside all the time on the telly. He was a real gent at first, buying everyone drinks and asking me if I wanted a bag of crisps. I was flattered by the attention.’
But then Linda’s dream encounter took a sinister turn.
‘He was telling me about all his mates at The Lane and how none of them lived with their mums anymore and they all had diamonds. It seemed like a fairytale. Then he suggested we went back to mine to watch a Jimmy Greaves DVD. I had no idea that this charming little man was really just after my white goods.’
‘I wasn’t raised to be indiscreet so I’ll leave what went on in my Ilford love nest to your imaginations. But in the morning I fell off cloud nine with a bump. I awoke to find my man missing (just like on the telly) and when I went downstairs my fridge was gone!’
I refused to report the matter to the authorities as they won’t pay for my story. I am now on my way to Cash Converters with my agent, but I feel now I was naive to let him in.’
Harry Hotspur would just like to emphasis to Mr Defoe’s legal team that this made up tale is made up and that any potential lady friends of their client would always have their white goods treated in a most respectful manner.