Date: 21st September 2011 at 7:56am
Written by:

Still on for the treble then.

Good morning born again wireless enthusiasts. I trust you all rounded off your evening’s aural entertainment with a warming cup of Ovaltine and a fistful of mogadons.

In fairness to the radio johnnies they captured the mood perfectly .Their minds wandered towards anything that was more interesting than the game. The fact that the hot water boiler at the Brittania was kaput so no tea (how they yearned for milk and two shugs) and the early departure of gentleman sporting an comb over to rival that of George Roper’s.

So only 1500 odd Tottingham fans saw it. You happy few. A few reports have trickled in and they all match the misery we imagined when listening. The reality that a noble few are determined to gloss over is the fact that playing second string players makes for third rate viewing and in this case …abject failure.

It’s just not the Tottingham way. Just like grinding out 1-0’s aren’t either. I predicted 0-0 and did so with a heavy heart. Bloody Stoke ferchrissakes. But no, I am told it is good for us to give the yoofsters out.

Cod liver oil is good for you too and as it is equally grim on the palate the overwhelming majority folk avoid it like the plague.

I have to ponder where we could end up if we extend the logic on all this. ‘It’s only the Europa, it’s only the Carling, it’s just the FA Cup’… Having an old fashioned football is going out of fashion. Players want ¬£200k a week and then are goaded at gunpoint away from their mansions; away from scantiliy clad hypnotizing hookers writhing on water beds with jelly beans nestled in their belly buttons, past ¬†fleets of exotic cars in order they ‘run about a bit’ …in a TV studio.

Eventually football matches will be decided . Presented by soulless lady-boys like Georgie Thompson and Ben Shepherd eyes glazed will host a game not dissimilar to Top Trumps. Maybe a quick fire question round.

‘Wayne, who was …Sir Matt Busby?!’

*silence the he grins awkwardly some dribble appears at the corner of his mouth* ‘Could do with a fag… errrr was him what did them adverts for the telephone in the 70’s?’

The camera cuts to Alan Hansen, ‘Noo, THAT’S shocking!’ *canned laughter*

Categories will include Boot Sponsor Value, Japanese Incontinence Towel Advert Revenues and Bodily Organ Upgrade Points reflecting that players have so much cash that they now opt to install better organs to enhance their game. You know, like those old computer driving games where you won cash on each race and could then upgrade your wheels or your suspension.

And so the Carling door shuts and what have we learned? Well, all those who are glad we are no longer in the competition have taken another step closer to a Top Trump Footy utopia.