It’s on. Like Fat Pat’s thong. The Premier League is back and not a moment too soon. I would rather eat Sellotape than sit through another International break. Did you miss it? Here’s a comprehensive summary: Serbia won Eurovision with their version of ‘The Funky Gibon’ and the council cut Adrian Chiles’ hair.
Here are the weekend’s fixtures and here are my wildly inaccurate predictions. Pay this month’s utility bills next month. Use the cash you’ll win to become richer than Richard Keys’ solicitor.
Fulham vs Aston Villa
The glamour tie. Fulham’s form is uninspiring but they look like world-beaters compared to the Villans. Paul Lambert is another one of these managers who by moving from one club to another managed to sabotaged the pair of them. Norwich are at a loss to know what to do without him and Villa can’t make head nor tail of him. BMJ won’t really be in trouble if he draws here, but if he doesn’t win he’ll ask himself where easier points might realistically come from. Prediction? An ill tempered 2-0.
Liverpool vs Reading
Brentdon Rodgers and his envelopes. Jesus wept. Betting wise I wouldn’t trust Liverpool as far as I could throw them. Couldn’t beat Stoke, couldn’t beat Sunderland. Reading were beginning to do a good impression of a punch bag. Chelsea, us and West Brom all had a go but then they’ve managed to string two draws I’d say were credible enough together against Swansea and the Bar Codes. I’m going for a score draw. Prediction? 1-1.
Manchester United vs Stoke
There is a singular blip on Yanited’s recent form. Us! Of course this is a results based business, however the only genuine chink in Slur Alex’s armour is the volume of goals his mob are conceding. This will have Tony Pulis delivering a pre-match instruction of, ‘Get it into the naffin’ box!!!’ to his gallant lads. Can Stoke ‘do a job’ and frustrate? I’d like to think so, but a win seems inevitable as Stoke’s away form has been iffy. Prediction? 2-1.
Swansea vs Wigan
Ha. Being a professional analyst (Oi! Quiet at the back there, please) the form of these two is so similar it’s chilling. No point dragging things out. I predict a home win by a single goal.
West Brom vs City
This could be interesting. By that, I’m not recommending watch it. That will probably do you no good at all. No good whatsoever. But form wise looking at both sides last 6 matches there’s genuinely very little in it. I would hope for Steve Clarke to scratch a draw, but the horrible, horrible financial value of the City boys says otherwise. Prediction? Ah, what the heck have a 2-2.
West Ham vs Southampton
What anti-West Ham agenda, how dare you?! Come on you Saints! If you want to be distracted by the fact that Southampton have lost more games than they’ve won you won’t find me joining you. I say Nigel Adkins will build on the draw against Fulham and smash these charmless nurks! Super Saints! Prediction? 1-3, at least.
Norwich vs Arsenal
Clipboard Chris needs to make the canaries last 3 games look like what they hopefully were. 3 games that produced 3 losses, 2 away from Carrow Road that were against damn tough opposition. Prior to that they’d kept a pretty straight bat. Draws galore. Sadly this looks like a damage limitation exercise. Arsenal have some cracking players and Norwich don’t. Perhaps the carrot crunchers can give us all a burst of, ‘You’re just a French Jimmy Savile’ and make MOTD all the more watchable. Prediction? 1-4
Our game in full …as usual …in the next blog!