The following is an exclusive extract from the players’ meeting held at Chigwell today by Club Captain Ledley King. Given the very nature of this highly sensitive material, elements of it maybe inaccurate and it may also be partially or completely fabricated.
Ledley: Alright lads I fink you all know why I’ve called you all here…
Luka: You have new sexy film on telephone? *Makes horse neighing noise*
PNB : *low voice from back of group* Go straight to Broadmoor, do not pass Go, do not collect £200.
Ledley: Yeah, so er anyway we need to talk about the Norwich game and fink about how we push on from it really.
Bale: Where’s Arry?
Kyle: He’s filming.
Benny: He is looking for lady love on ‘The Undatables’ show, Lol.
Ledley: So guys it’s important that we all get together…
Brad: Can we do this tomorrow, I have a yoga class.
Modric: No like Star Wars *in falsetto voice* ‘You no my father’
Eunice: I bent my wookie.
Rafa: Guys, I think we know what the problems are and if we just…
Bale: I won’t lie to you, a witch hunt isn’t the way to do this.
Rafa: Gazza, no one you know, is focusing on you here, buddy.
PNB: No we’re saving that one for after the semi.
Defoe: Speaking of which, how is the wife?
Rafa: Eh? Look, we need to speak to Harry and discuss the shape and tactics.
Benny: When he comes back from dating show, Lol.
Sandro: I think we need to play with more width.
Jake: That’s what she said…
Ledley: I fink it’s important we pull together. Remember why we’re here.
Nelsen: We should really wait til Harold gets back.
Jake: Mr Bishop, to you son.
Ledley: Please boys, we need to really rally here and make sure that we can kick on for these last few games…
Defoe: To be fair, I just need more game time, you know what I mean? I’m a machine, man.
Kyle: Yeah, a Sinclair C5.
Defoe: Nice one, Forest.
Rafa: Boys the best teams in the world play very simply. Best players in best positions and for each other.
Bale: I’m really focused on that level, playing at the very top flight I am.
Tim Sherwood: Alright chaps, who fancies practicing some corners?
Azza: Nah, Arry said we…
Kyle: He said we did loads yesterday.
Brad: This frigging game is ruining my life.