Date: 11th April 2012 at 10:34pm
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The following is an exclusive extract from the players’ meeting held at Chigwell today by Club Captain . Given the very nature of this highly sensitive material, elements of it maybe inaccurate and it may also be partially or completely fabricated.

Ledley: Alright lads I fink you all know why I’ve called you all here…
Luka: You have new sexy film on telephone? *Makes horse neighing noise*
PNB : *low voice from back of group* Go straight to Broadmoor, do not pass Go, do not collect £200.
Ledley: Yeah,  so er anyway we need to talk about the Norwich game and fink about how we push on from it really.
: Where’s ?
Kyle: He’s filming.
Benny: He is looking for lady love on ‘The Undatables’ show, Lol.
Ledley: So guys it’s important that we all get together…
Brad: Can we do this tomorrow, I have a yoga class.
: No like Star Wars *in falsetto voice* ‘You no my father’ 
Eunice:  I bent my wookie.
Rafa: Guys, I think we know what the problems are and if we just…
Bale: I won’t lie to you, a witch hunt isn’t the way to do this.
Rafa: , no one you know, is focusing on you here, buddy.
PNB: No we’re saving that one for after the semi.
: Speaking of which, how is the wife?
Rafa: Eh? Look, we need to speak to Harry and discuss the shape and tactics.
Benny: When he comes back from dating show, Lol.
: I think we need to play with more width.
Jake: That’s what she said…
Ledley: I fink it’s important we pull together. Remember why we’re here.
Nelsen: We should really wait til Harold gets back.
Jake: Mr Bishop, to you son.
Ledley: Please boys, we need to really rally here and make sure that we can kick on for these last few games…
Defoe: To be fair, I just need more  game time, you know what I mean? I’m a machine, man. 
Kyle: Yeah, a Sinclair C5.
Defoe: Nice one, Forest.
Rafa: Boys the best teams in the world play very simply. Best players in best positions and for each other.
Bale: I’m really focused on that level, playing at the very top flight I am.
: Alright chaps, who fancies practicing some corners?
Azza: Nah, Arry said we…
Kyle: He said we did loads yesterday.
Brad: This frigging game is ruining my life.