Date: 25th May 2012 at 11:25am
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Well hello Dolly.

The Daily Star is jackanape central, eh? Jermaine J**** being lined up to replace Joseph Barton at . And to get suspicious readers into the zone, they’ve even run the piece accompanied by a snap of the Tottingham dynamo sporting a moustache.

In next week’s Daily Star, Des O’Connor to  replace Slur Alex.

’s getting as restless over his transfer as most Spurs fans.

“I’ve said repeatedly that Tottenham are my first choice, but the talks haven’t progressed,” said centre-back Vertonghen, 25.

“They have shown me around, I have met all their key people and their ­chairman came to meet me on Monday. But want me too.

They remain a possibility if my Spurs move falls through, as Ajax are asking €15m for me.”

Ordinarily this sort of whoring gets right up my hooter. But whilst €15m is probably more than the value of everything I own, relatively it’s chicken feed.

After watching Gary Cahill take about a fortnight to look like he had been playing for the Blue Racists forever, it would be seriously unfunny to watch another vital addition end up in enemy hands.