Bingo Club In Flames

It always used to be the case at this time of year that a thought be spared for those less well off. I remember the Sally Army having more of a presence in the pubs, the ads on the telly for people in Africa who’s greatest gift this year would either be a reconditioned AK47 or one of those old Arsenal shirts with JVC on the front.

So as we bask in our own footballing magnificence –  until the wheels inevitably fall off – we really ought to stop and consider West Ham United Football  & Bingo Club (Newham Kinky Knickers Ltd). I know it’s easy to mock. So let’s just make sure we don’t miss much.

Avram Grant is in the unenviable position of being the manager of a club seemingly nail gunned to the foot of the table. Super-glued as they are, in the current climate he could rightly expect to have been fired out of a cannon weeks ago.

And therein lies the Primark Massive’s core problem. They are potless. Not a pot to their name. Without a single, even modest pot are they. Sans pot. We occasionally hear about the ‘fit and proper person(s)’ requirement of the Premier League and it raises the question would Sullivan & Gold pass?

I don’t mean simply because one looks like mutated gnome and the other like an exhumed faun. It’s their business model beggars belief. People nicking cars to joyride have better long term strategies.

They take over a trading company. They stand outside the ground and bang on about local people. British people. Only drawing short of the old BNP ‘indigenous peoples of these Islands’ speech.

Then they begin a ‘strategy’ of announcing that they are in for virtually any half good name player doing the rounds. They sign no one, bar some German who gets injured (self harmed?) within minutes and is sidelined for the foreseeable.

Shortly afterwards they announced that they have discovered that the debts of the Club are greater than they first thought (‘Err, Dave… er just found these invoices fucked down the back of the radiator in the office next door’).

Enforced wage cuts ensue across the Club. Many of which were shared with the recipients for the first time via the media.

Zola got the boot and one can only presume he’s still receiving his compensation cheques of £47.32 on a weekly basis.

On the pitch Tottenham ironically have been one of their few sources of points. All the usual threats of performances, but in the final analysis people like Carlton Cole just simply aren’t good enough.

Scott Parker has shone, but then the same was said about the odd Toon player when they went down. If anyone can name anyone from that side who was worth swooping for please do so. Some clubs just get diseased and all the playing staff to a man get infected.

To add to the madness, West Ham appear to have discovered someone as daft as them in Newham Council to support a bid to be rehoused at the Olympic Stadium. I actually find this almost too insane to address. Suffice to say if they are successful then they’ll certainly have the swankiest stadium in the Championship.

All of Gold & Sullivan’s plans are built on gate receipts to come. Monies that can potentially be earned. But the problem is they have been so poor that the gates are down, season tickets sales stalled and watching them on TV reveals that their pitch-side advertising is 90% for their own stuff. Tickets, lucky heather and seasonally themed dildos.

With a little over a week to go before the January transfer window opens West Ham are coming out fighting again. Or so they would have us believe. Looks and sounds more like the final burps and farts of something that’s gone off, about to finally die to me.

Rumours abound that Jamie O’Hara and PSB might go.

On loan or hire purchase who knows or cares. O’Hara is sadly too far down the batting order at Spurs to realistically mount a challenge at The Lane. And as for Keane, to say his options are limited is an understatement. But the unsurprising word so far is that Pointy Shouty’s wage demands are deemed excessive and that part at least, isn’t happening.

So please. As you enjoy the festive period, spare a thought for some desperate Eastenders who’s one highlight this year is likely to be a plate of turkey feet and chips.