Scores On The Doors By Mr Ray Ting

Good morning.

First up, good to see Gazza on the road to Wellville. He’s been there before, but I understand he’s making great progress and the more daft characters football has, the better.

The game itself was tough viewing at times as our formation creaked uneasily as many new players and an unedifying injury list took it’s toll. Add to this the Bar Codes aren’t where they are in the table by luck. They might not quite be ‘The Entertainers’ again, but Pardew has them organised and their desire was impressive enough.

 6

Highlight of the game was his attempt to smuggle the ball back over the line after their equalizer. If I had to describe that move in word, that word would be ambitious.

 5

It was all a bit of a struggle. In his defense Toon were at him and this is hardly a settled, cohesive back four, so no calls for his retirement just yet.

 7

Many are called, some fail to turn up, a few say in a thick French accent, ‘let’s ave it my old son.’ He was well and truly put to the test and by golly I think he just about passed.

 6 

The poor old girl’s legs went and so back to the Guvnor’s swimming pool with our best wishes.

 5

A hectic day at the office. Considering his last two run outs were worse I’m taking this as gradual improvement and again not calling for him to be chased out the borough by an angry mob with lit torches.

 6

What I would do is play him in the middle and fit everyone else around him. This is on the basis that he’s apparently worth loads more than any of the others and is really good at playing football. 

 6

Looking every bit like a decent first team player. I particularly liked his show of grit when having a barney with one of their lot. We need more chaps like this who are ‘up for it’ and Jake certainly is that.

 6

Probably his toughest shift with us yet. What I particularly like is watching him win a ball, tap it forward, look up, forward again and pass. A fantastic signing and without him we’d be in schtuck.

 5

Another distinctly average performance. I’m bored with this whole crazy right wing business. It’s like the Amstrad vertical record player. I understand it, I just don’t want it.

 7

So let me just check I have this right. Our most consistent goalscorer and one of our most talented players is  a nuisance to accommodate when drawing up the team sheet. Arry, grow a brain and get back to me when you have.

 7

He’s rock and roll. They were three up on him at stage. Whoever plays with him will score goals and whoever plays against him will have their hands full. Classy, smiley, destroyer. 

 7

A lethal strike followed by an infuriatingly selfish botch job.