What can I possibly tell that you that you do not already know?

Real Madrid indoors and I stand by my suggestion the other day that we clear it with UEFA and our lot wear Bernie Clifton ostriches. At least for the bit when they run out and do the police identity line up number at the beginning.

Having watched the last leg in Stellascope and then had a good look at the other loves remaining in this competition I can reveal that having summoned the wisdom of the ages and decided things look decidedly iffy.

Aside from all our usual idiocies (opposed to idiosyncrasies) we are approximately one million miles away from being genuinely fit to continue in this competition. Hardly resounding proof that I am related to Winston Churchill I grant you, but those other brutes, have you seen them? Some of them have been shaving since they were seven.

Real Madrid – as I alluded after the last debacle –  have that Jose template all over ’em. They aren’t just footballers, they’re marines. Trained, programmed and unforgiving mercenaries, ready to conquer. By stark contrast, we have our dinner money hidden in our sock and our  Y fronts folded up in our bag so that they can’t wedgie us.

And it turned out that Azza didn’t bottle it, more a case of our crack squad of highly trained experts not understanding that a course of antibiotics has to ordinarily to be completed in order for it to work. Years of administering magic sponges and the occasional Junior Asprin can I guess fog even the most finely tuned medical minds.

On an upbeat note, we have a license to go bonkers and play in a somewhat unshackled manner, ‘It’s over here, I’ve got it! Let’s run up this way and shoot again!’ as we are the very definition of people with nothing to lose.

There are some creative bets doing the rounds and if you want to be the one to tell your grandchildren that you had a nicker on us to win and that’s how you set up their trust-fund then now is your moment.

Spurs to win 5-0 is 150/1. If you are unfamiliar with betting parlance then this indicates but by no means guarantees that there is more chance of ‘My Lovely Horse’ being number one in the hit parade next Christmas.

[bet_365 type=’generic’ size=’468′ af_code=’365_061513′]

My genuine belief is that we will throw the kitchen sink at Los Blancos, who will more likely than not, place it down gently to one side before holding us to a 2-2 all draw. Which at 11/1 has some  – however optimistic – basis in reality and a few quid down will at least mean you don’t face the ignominy of tomorrow’s lunch break with home made sandwiches, but can soak up the consolatory beers of the night before with something classy, like a Super Sized extravaganza from Burger Me or whoever.

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”