Date: 30th December 2011 at 11:07am
Written by:

Good morning.

And they’re off! The first of the ITK gurus have stumbled out of their comas and into the information super highway in search of that stuff that to them is better than oxygen. More valuable than money.

Being known on an Internet forum as In The Know. 

The protocol’s of ITK info are as hilarious as they are incredibly sad. If you pass on any information that remotely coincides with anything mooted on one site first, you’re accused of theft. In the real world of course, adults understand that there is no divine and singular source of knowledge (apart from complete nut nut religious cults of course – see what I did there?).

However in Lollypop Land if SpurzBoi82 posts that Kaka is in talks with then SpurzBoi82 – under the implicit terms and conditions of the Lollypop Land statute books – owns that information.

To repeat it is to owe him a commission of reverence. Genuflect as thy mention his word mortal! Because Lollypop Land there is no such thing a as corroboration. In Lollypop Land the laws of the infant school playground are by comparison mystifying in their complexity.

If pAnTsniffa1882 were to post on his won blog that a Kaka deal was on the cards because his Aunt Dolly heard it from the milkman – then he would be courting a verbal stoning. For only SpurzBoi82 has the sacred knowledge of this ITK and no mortal may do anything with it other than thank him. And genuflect a bit more, for good measure while you’re there.

To suggest that anyone other than SpurzBoi82 might have wind if this negotiation other than SpurzBoi82 is to be a practitioner of severe heresy. A good trick which only requires restraint of course is to mysteriously vouch for another ITK. 

I can confirm that SpurzBoi1999 is on the money there. Kaka was 100% talking to us on Wednesday. Can’t say who to though.

‘I can’t say who to though’ I just love those little extra details that are in fact – the very opposite. But then implication, hint, suggestion is everything. Lives are at stake and identities must remain protected at all times.

Then of course that is presuming the ITK has deemed fit to pass on his wisdom in an intelligible form. You know, like a main stream language here on plant earth. Many ITK’s opt for a technique that can only be readily mimicked by selecting a man in an Intensive Care Unit, switching his life support on and off rapidly and then handing him a pen and paper. 

Kaka talking to but can’t see the big fella getting it Dan give up on it Joe was with them Wednesday 

Then we have the ones that communicate in code. Sadly, for us – the punter/the end user/the ITK worshipper this code isn’t just designed to mask the information, but to also to provide a getaway should things go mammary glands up.

London calling to the faraway towns
Now war is declared, and battle come down
London calling to the underworld

London calling. Is that a transfer in – calling to a player outside the capital or is it a transfer out, with the call actually being an offer to another club? War is declared… that could be machine gun noise. Kakakakakkakakaka! We’ve cracked it.

There were people hiding from Nazi’s in cupboards in fear of there lives who hadn’t eaten or slept for days that were more lucid than these parasites.