Date: 24th April 2012 at 9:34am
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Good morning.

A man’s got a heart, hasn’t he?
Joking apart — hasn’t he?
And though I’d be the first one to say that I wasn’t a saint
I’m finding it hard to be really as black as they paint…

If you’re worried about the health of your heart then one pointedly obvious precaution is not to play football with and then swap shirts with Faroe Islands goalkeeper Poul Thomas Dam.

This player – it has been alleged on this morning – has only swapped shirts with two players in his career. Fabrice Muamba and Piermario Morosini.

Mr Muamba has been busy thanking his made up friend for the miracle of life. Just for one second try to embrace the mind numbing arrogance of such a wild assertion that God declines to prevent a tsunami that slaughters several hundred thousand; yet pops down from on high to save one random footballer. 

The Bolton player claims to have seen two Scotty Parkers as he collapsed at White Hart Lane. That’s nothing. By the end of the and QPR games I was seeing all sorts of near fantastic, blurry and multicoloured visions before I collapsed. And the day after each game I was praying for divine intervention or at the very least a restorative cup of char.  

Talking of people who are aren’t really there, our tight lipped supremo hasn’t ventured into the limelight for several days now. One can only presume he’s wandering his mock tudor Sandbanks lawns having morphed into a hybrid of one time Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf and George III. 

“Chelsea, for sure they’ve won all the medals. They haven’t got my winning medal ‘cos I give that to Sandra, they won’t be ‘aving that one, ooh no. The run in? I don’t know, the chairman’s dealing wiv all that.  I don’t know what people are complaining about. You didn’t hear Mooro complaining that the World Cup was too heavy when he was lifting it up, did you? You can’t talk to most of ’em these days. Your average Croatian thinks pie & liquor is brass house. People say to me …you’re a fantastic manager…”

*walks into ornamental pond of coy carp*

Chomical Arry. We salute you.

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