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Chomical Arry

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Good morning.

A man’s got a heart, hasn’t he?
Joking apart — hasn’t he?
And though I’d be the first one to say that I wasn’t a saint
I’m finding it hard to be really as black as they paint…

If you’re worried about the health of your heart then one pointedly obvious precaution is not to play football with and then swap shirts with Faroe Islands goalkeeper Poul Thomas Dam.

This player – it has been alleged on Twitter this morning – has only swapped shirts with two players in his career. Fabrice Muamba and Piermario Morosini.

Mr Muamba has been busy thanking his made up friend for the miracle of life. Just for one second try to embrace the mind numbing arrogance of such a wild assertion that God declines to prevent a tsunami that slaughters several hundred thousand; yet pops down from on high to save one random footballer. 

The Bolton player claims to have seen two Scotty Parkers as he collapsed at White Hart Lane. That’s nothing. By the end of the Norwich and QPR games I was seeing all sorts of near fantastic, blurry and multicoloured visions before I collapsed. And the day after each game I was praying for divine intervention or at the very least a restorative cup of char.  

Talking of people who are aren’t really there, our tight lipped supremo hasn’t ventured into the limelight for several days now. One can only presume he’s wandering his mock tudor Sandbanks lawns having morphed into a hybrid of one time Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf and George III. 

“Chelsea, for sure they’ve won all the medals. They haven’t got my FA Cup winning medal ‘cos I give that to Sandra, they won’t be ‘aving that one, ooh no. The run in? I don’t know, the chairman’s dealing wiv all that.  I don’t know what people are complaining about. You didn’t hear Mooro complaining that the World Cup was too heavy when he was lifting it up, did you? You can’t talk to most of ’em these days. Your average Croatian thinks pie & liquor is brass house. People say to me …you’re a fantastic manager…”

*walks into ornamental pond of coy carp*

Chomical Arry. We salute you. 

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221 comments

  • nick_the _greek says:

    Cannot laugh any more, tears now

    • elfranklins says:

      No,no more laughing, where Harry is concerened my laughter has all but turned to tears!…..Funny read thought HH

  • northern spur says:

    HH,
    I imagine you would be less than impressed with any blogger who continually promoted his/her beliefs in a Diety on your site. Therefore, I wonder why you insist on having unwarranted gratuitous digs at people who happen to have a religious faith. Please desist as it is a passive aggressive act that does you no credit at all. BTW, I really enjoy this site in all other respects.

    • Harry Hotspur says:

      Pass in peace my child.

      But seriously, I can’t cope with the mumbo jumbo when it was medics that brought him back.

      It’s in football, it’s a fair target.

      I didn’t go looking for Muamba to pursue an agenda and to infer it is disingenuous.

    • lecoqhardi says:

      It’s not so much the faith, it’s the assumption that God intervenes for individuals and not for the masses.
      I think, anyway. HH will tell you.

      • Harry Hotspur says:

        That’s the one. Faith I do not have an issue with or would get my kicks by hanging outside churches; sniggering. It’s the vanity I can’t deal with.

        That said, Eskimos are gods frozen people.

        • James says:

          Perhaps it was the lack of faith that left the ‘masses’ from being helped?
          Fabrice Muamba has every reason to believe what he likes and tell anyone he pleases. The fact you feel the need to ridicule someone else’s beliefs is a shame on you, not Fabrice Muamba for believing it and telling people what he feels to be true.

          • Harry Hotspur says:

            Hahaha. So people don’t die because of natural causes or atrocity.

            They simply weren’t insured.

            Brilliant!

        • Essexian76 says:

          If fish is brain food, why aren’t Eskimo’s ruling the planet?

        • Hartley says:

          Or even fish….?

      • nipper says:

        22 Nigerian Catholics died during a Good Friday service when their church collapsed….what would Muamba say about that?

  • Hartley says:

    Didn’t think my laughter glands worked anymore but that piece about our tight lipped supremo has worked wonders….in fact, how do you turn it off H?

  • TmmyHarmer says:

    Sorry, Northern Spur, I’m with Harry on the ‘god-thing’. Muamba was saved by the brave and concerted effort of a variety of people who applied medical expertise and huge effort. He was not saved by god, and his ridiculous assertion that he was was both ungrateful and very silly. And I am STILL glad he was saved by a bunch of Yid medical heroes!!

  • Boy Charioteer says:

    I’ve never understood why players cross themselves before going onto a football field. What sort of deity would alter the course of a football match yet allow a child who was missing for days be horribly murdered? Answers to these questions have been cynically sidestepped by apologists for these “faiths”. I personally have no argument with this, people can worship a goat dressed up if that is their want. But when the media present it as a serious part of the healing process of a man who has faced death, that’s when I take issue.

    • God says:

      I’m an Arsenal fan and take great delight in dangling false hope in front of your noses every season before snatching it away at the last minute

      You didn’t think all the absurd referee decisions against your team were a coincidence did you?

      • Boy Charioteer says:

        Hmmm…No, probably it’s a conjuration by John Dee and Edward Kelley called “Enochian Magick” that went wrong during Elizabeth Ist’s reign on Islington Marshes and afflicted “Ye Persones Of Ye Black Cladde Dispositione” a few myles north east of said area causing “Whistles to go off Prematurely” and “Ye Wronge Counselle To Be Arrivedde At”.

      • Essexian76 says:

        No God, we all saw that huge digit pointing down and then giving us the finger, but I’d sooner be a Yid than live my life stinking of putridity,pestilence and being followed by shit hunting bluebottles!

    • SKYONTHEGO says:

      This always gets the Mormons off my step when they come Knocking. This is what i ask them if God made the earth and us why where the Dinosaurs here millions of years before us was that Gods Zoo. The reason players bless themselves is to ask forgiveness for doing dirty tackles like John Terry and hope they make it through the 90 plus energetic mins.

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