Acute Analysis Punchy Player Ratings

Good morning.

After all the well earned plaudits for Swanselona and Brendan Rodgers (t/a Christ Is Risen plc) it was fantastic to see us play coherently for the third game in a row and look every inch a team that deserves to play Champions League football next season.

Now this next bit won’t surprise some but will infuriate others; but I do hope Arry isn’t waiting for a round of applause from the fans anytime soon for that sumptuous feast?

We’ve just had an entire week of increasing praise for Rodgers and ability to lay on the most amazing football buffet with the most limited resources. Need to stretch a few baked goods and seafood to accommodate some unexpected guests? Need wine, but only got water? Dial 1800 BRENDAN.

All Arry has done is the bleedin’ obvious with extraordinary resources.

After taking a sabbatical from managing Spurs to woo anyone who might listen in the media about his suitability for the England job and then being humiliated at Goodison Park where our travelling fans sang tactical advice to him he’s rejoined the party.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m delighted. And I’m not so mean and nasty as to say, ‘well that’s what he’s paid for’, it’s just his fannying around blew a 10 point lead. 

The abandonment of the ailing King and the return to fitness of Billy Gallas has been a blessing. With PNB and Sandro partnered in front of the current back four we look as good as we ever have in years there.

Let’s hit the player ratings then…

 7.090That save was literally supersonic. Fingertiptastic. He was spotted off his line a few times but I am convinced that this was just an optical illusion. It never happened. Go back to your homes. 

 6.665 A mixed bag really. Which is to say he showed promise yet made some really dumb, unforced errors and I thought he was on the way up, not down.

 7.379 Hammerfoot himself. A couple of naff passes out but more importantly he’s looking like one heck of a defender. Apologies if the word ‘heck’ is a bit strong, but that’s just how I feel.

 7.479 Billy. Bill. The Billster. He’s more of a captain for me than Ledders as you can see he’s a natural communicator, he doesn’t hesitate to communicate, in very natural way.

 7.479 Tighter than an Ibis Hotel breakfast buffet. Benny was in great form. Lifted the ball of ’em and immediately looked to feed the boys up-field. Classy.

 7.789 The N17 Enforcer. The camera panned on to him ten minutes in. Sweet beading, shirt looked like he’d been hit with grass cannonball yet his hair was immaculate.  

 7.778 He’s been a busy little bar steward, that Brazilian. I he’s going to be a great player. Big time huge, respected player. He defends endlessly but always looking to flick the ball into an attack.

 7.999 A handful of duff balls and relatively low key performance might have misled some that he was poor.  In lots of recipes you need the egg that binds. He’s not curate’s egg, he’s more the egg that you can go to work on. Nearly Easter see  – you didn’t realise I can fire out the topical ones too, did you?

 8.111 He plays on the left. And boy did he ever. What impressed me was he made more of a go of it defensively. And I do like to see everyone pitching in. He was spotted going central a couple of times, but little came of it as usual.

 7.333 Blud. Bruv. You get me? Well we didn’t get him until late on but he was a refreshing addition. Super cross. That’s just what Jesus said. Oh yes, I’m firing them out now…

 8.902 He’s bloody good you know, we should sign him. The hardest working act in show business today. Bernie Clifton simply calls him, ‘The Daddy’. Actor Ken Loach refers to him as, ‘The Vaartster’. 

 9.001. Monday I’m in love. Probably could have scored four if he’d have had the kind of unselfish service he gives others. Such an asset. His detractors need to ease up and take in what we’ve got on our hands here.