Analysis & Ratings To Self Harm By


I’ve deliberately separated the analysis of the players from the manager because I maintain we’ve a great squad and Tottenham Hotspur Football Club is bigger than one chimpanzee with a saucepan stuck on his head. 

The lads are in their twenties and I don’t know about you but I was definitely an idiot when I was that age. God knows where my brain would have been if I was a millionaire as well as an idiot. Footballers are rarely better than their managers and coaches. When this does happen it is quite common for the players in this position to move onwards and upwards. In short, they aren’t a bad bunch, they just need managing.

So here’s run through of what I was watching…

 6.009 He pulled off a cracking save. I’m terrified by his generally lack of mobility though. Like every goalie in the world he really does need a half decent crew in front of him.

 7.008 I thought he had a good game. I’m infuriated that he’s crossing more balls in from the left than Bale because he’s not as dangerous as Bale. But Benny ain’t the manager…

 3.008 He’s had it. And while his form/fitness plummets it is insane to pick him without him having done any training. Those days are long gone. He shouldn’t be allowed to play right now.

 5.000 Not entirely woeful and now injured. Wonderful.

 3.767 Pants defender, pants attacking wing thingy. 

 5.090 I started to warm to him and now I’m just seeing a J**** but thankfully minus that imbecilic tongue hanging out to indicate having recently run somewhere, perhaps returning a library book.

 1.100 He’s absolute rubbish. 

 7.777 Looked hungry out there yesterday but didn’t work any magic.

 7.444 Loves being the middle. Someone should write that down on a post it note and then staple gun said note to Arry’s forehead.

 6.222 He’s a card. Still driven by the vision. Should be driving a Yaris.

 5.000 Gave it a go, I suppose.

 7.555 Lovely goal.

 7.444 Too often like a man with his laces tied together, sadly.



  1. Also….
    “We looked too open playing 4-4-2”
    “Sometimes its too easy to play against us when we are that open”

    Well change it then you bell end. Its what you are paid for you clown.

  2. Its just been announced the players will pay for all the tickets for our final at Wembley King said we just have to stop Chelsea scoring and Defoe to score one. Friedegg said its not fair to expect a man of Forty not to let a few goals in. Harry stood and told Friedegg to stop wondering allover his area that’s Bales job and he then turned on Ledley and said you look like your in the fucking swimming pool and you Nelson why the fuck did you retreat when Bennett had the ball, Nelson replied i thought he had not scored before so he was crap at shooting i dident no Brad had left a big hole in his goal, Harry shook his head and blamed the fans on Harry Hotspurs for asking him to play 442.

  3. Horrible! I hate slagging off Spurs but i always find myself in a position where i have to.
    For Harry the season finished in December. Spurs were 3rd, still in the FA Cup and The Military Wives Choir were our Crimbo No.1. “I can’t see what Spurs fans have to complain about” he grumbled. “They’ve never had it so good here”. Yeah, yeah. Alright Harry. I get it. You took a bunch of pub players and turned them into world class superstars. Well done. So what happens now? What’s next and what happens if we don’t finish 4th? Oh yeah, i forgot. You are not too worried about that now………….

Comments are closed.